Isabel's apartment

[Deleted]

Dylan has a key, too.

[Deleted]

Isabel use to believe that she would never ever hurt herself - she knew what suicide did to families but she also knew that she didn't really want to die, right? She wasn't so horribly depressed that she just wanted to end everything with one deep cut in the right artery and everything would be gone. She and Dylan were finally together, shouldn't that be all that mattered? Or the fact that she was doing really well in school? Her life was virtually perfect aside from the loss of her mother yet she felt his almost crippling emptiness every morning. What was she doing with her life? Why was she so horrendous that Dylan couldn't possibly love her? She knew logically that Dylan's love for her was not based on how good or bad that she was - he simply had his own demons that he needed to deal with.

She didn't want him to lie to her and tell her that he loved her when he didn't but he could at least throw her a bone... he could give her some ray of shining hope that there was a chance of him someday loving her though... if there was no chance then did she want to know? This was the kind of thing that she thought about when she was alone and it was so depressing that she couldn't contain her tears hence why she told Dylan that she didn't want him to shower with her following their hot roll in the sheets. Dylan didn't care! How could he not notice the marks on her arms? Though, in his defense, who thinks about that when their penis is in their girlfriend's vagina? Yeah, not many so she was cutting him some slack there.

Her shower was shorter than usual and she didn't even fully dry her hair before slipping into her living room in her Victoria's Secret sweatpants and baggy grey sweater. She certainly wasn't radiating sexuality as she stood in the doorway just watching him.. it wasn't rare for him to spend the night at her apartment with Rover playing in the corner with some disgusting wet rawhide bone.. she just didn't understand the appeal! She knew that it was now or never telling him but well maybe never wasn't such a bad thing after all... No, she needed to tell him this right now for her own well-being.

"Dylan?" She was looking down at her hands as she nervously stepped into the living room, "A-are you busy?" She hadn't stuttered since the first grade and now it was apparently happening again. What in the world was happening to her? She swallowed hard and contemplated just making something up but she knew that this was far too important to not tell him about. "I um... I need to talk." Her voice cracked and tears started falling down her cheeks despite her best attempts to hold them back. Part of her crying was because she was certain that he would leave her once he found out... She convinced herself he was only here for the sex.

[dylan]

Dylan was watching Honey Booboo while Rover played with his bone when Isabel called him. At first he expected her to be standing there naked, ready for round two, but once he looked.

"Baby, are you crying?" He sat up abruptly and reached his hand out to pull her closer. He'd only seen her cry...maybe twice, and it was both because of things he'd done. He tried to think of something he'd done wrong, but he hadn't tried to cheat, he'd been here with her mom...maybe she wanted to talk about that.

He pulled her onto his lap and wiped her cheek with his thumb. "What's wrong, Issy? Is everything okay?"

Clearly everything's not okay, dumbass. Why would she be crying if everything was okay?

"Do you want some tea? I'll...well, Declan normally makes me tea, but it's not hard. Do you need some?" Oh, how stereotypical British of you, idiot.

ooc:
yeah, i went with changing their past to make them English. I haven't done it yet, but...yeah.

[Deleted]

Isabel frowned and tried to avoid any sort of eye contact with him even though he was obviously trying to help by offering tea and not just slipping his hands into her underwear. "Am I a really bad person? Is that why I fuck up everything I touch? I'm bad .... I'm horrible..... I'm ...." She broke off into sobs which she attempted to muffle by putting her head in her hands. How in the hell was she suppose to tell him this? She couldn't even get through talking to him about her feelings let alone her recent harm. "Do .... I ....." She wasn't making much sense anymore so she just pulled her sleeves up and held her wrists out in front of him.

Her left wrist had an obviously recent cut from before she showered and she could only hope to God that Dylan played the role of supportive boyfriend. "I'm... I'm sorry." She pulled her sleeves back down and tried desperately to think of a subject change. Sex? Food? She reached for his pants and looked up at him with wide eyes, "Do... do you want to ... I can.... blow job?"

Way to go, Isabel! Now he'll never take you seriously... it's no wonder you feel worthless... you /are/ worthless.

She didn't really want sex but she also didn't want him to lecture her or yell... or worse not give a shit either way. What would she do if he accepted oral sex knowing she was obviously still upset about this? And knowing what she was doing to herself? She couldn't just forget something like that! She would always remember that he was the guy who didn't give a crap about her well-being if his dick was being sucked.

[dylan]

Dylan just started at her arm. Maybe she...shoved her arm through a window? Or had a cat he didn't know about or...no. There was no denying where those cuts had come from. Loni used to do that before Declan got her to stop. Still had a giant scar going from her wrist to her elbow.

"Oh, Is..." he ignored the blow job thing and pulled her hands from the hem of his basketball shorts. He wrapped his arms around her and held her tight for a moment.
He wasn't sure what to say. Didn't know what she wanted or needed to hear. Why would she do that to herself? She was so perfect. Everything about her. He couldn't think of any reason she would want to do something like that. Unless...

He leaned away and looked her in the eyes, "Isabel...am I the reason you're hurting yourself?" It seemed like a stupid question. Of course he was the reason. There was just no other possible explanation.

[Deleted]

Isabel kept eye contact with him as she thought over his question and her possible responses - she could be a good girlfriend and lie or tell the truth and risk losing him forever. Honestly was the best policy, right? "Um... kind of." She forced herself to look away from him and focus on something else like Rover who was still playing with his rawhide. "Are you angry with me? It's just.... I feel empty... I feel like I don't matter.... I feel .... it's all because I don't feel like you could ever love me." She hated admitting that to him but it felt like it was only right.

"It's not because I don't love you... because I do but I just... I hate saying it and knowing I'll never hear it back." She could feel another round of sobs creeping up on her so she stopped talking for the time being. "I know you care too much to lie to me about something like that but it just feels so hopeless.. everything feels hopeless these days... I can't focus... I can't climax... I can't do anything right."

She couldn't do this to him! She couldn't just blame all of her problems on him and then expect him to happily forgive her, right? He would have every right to be angry with her and just walk away. She didn't deserve him to support her when she was being a horrible wretched bitch of a girlfriend.

[dylan]

"You can't climax?" Was the first thing that he said, but then he quickly realized that her faking it shouldn't be the most alarming thing she just said. She thinks she's unlovable.

He shook his head, "Isabel...It's not that I'll never be able to love you. It's not like that. I'm just...I've never been in love before. You're my first girlfriend, you know? Everything I've ever had was just pure physical. I'm not used to feeling the way I do and staying committed to just one person. I want to be able to tell you I love you, I really do. I just...don't know yet. And I don't think it would be fair for me to say something that's supposed to mean so much if I'm not one hundred percent sure."
"But this," he took her hand and held up her wrist. "This isn't doing either one of us any good. I'm sorry I never looked before, but...do you think I want to see you hurt yourself? And do you have any idea how angry it makes me when you talk so bad about yourself?"
He'd never said this to her before because it felt like a moot point, but since everything was coming up right now... "When you talk about yourself like you're some type of garbage...it just...It pisses me off like you can't even believe. I just want to be like 'That's my girlfriend you're talking about.' If someone else were talking about you like you talk about you, I'd want to fight them. And if someone else were marking you up like you're doing to yourself..." he shook his head and let her wrist go. "I'd probably be in jail right now."

Dylan sighed and bit at his thumb nail. "I don't understand how you can't see how special you are. I'm sorry I can't say I love you yet. Believe me, I wish I weren't so fucked up that three words scare the shit out of me, but that's the way it is. And maybe....I don't know, fuck. Maybe if I'm hurting you so bad to make you physically take it out on yourself, you should just leave me. Everyone knows you're too good for me anyway."

Everyone's too good for you. That's why they all chose your brother.

[Deleted]

Isabel actually giggled a little when his first question was regarding her recent lack of orgasms. She was about to tease him about it when he started talking again and she suddenly knew it wasn't time for jokes anymore. Each word felt like a tiny bullet in her heart; how could she try and pressure this beautiful person in front of her? She really did need to stop hurting herself but a part of her didn't know how to! What if she was just permanently broken? Maybe she was meant to just always feel like this and it was time to face reality. Wait what? She widened her eyes when Dylan said that she was too good for him, who believed that? She reached a hand up to stroke the side of his face affectionately, "I love you... okay? I love you and I don't want you to /ever/ even think that you aren't perfect, okay? Or that I'm too good for you because look at me .... I'm broken and helpless and desperate but that's okay because.... because you're just as broken as I am and the pieces just... fit. We're broken but somehow... we just fit perfectly like a puzzle."

She offered him a weak smile and gave him a small kiss on his forehead, "We'll work everything out, you know? We'll figure out how to make this perfect for us because it's you and me, babe... you're stuck with me." She giggled weakly to try and lighten the mood as she snuggled close to him. "We can even work on... a smaller problem first..." She bit down on her bottom lip and fiddled with the hem of his basketball shorts; did she want this? Now? "Or... you can carry me to our bed and we'll see where it goes.." She wanted to be snuggled up in his arms in the most comforting place in the world - her bed.

She strongly believed that she and Dylan were soulmates not that she was going to go around telling him that! It'd only freak him out but she could see them in fifteen years married with a little boy who looked just like his daddy and having backyard barbeques in the summer with Declan and whoever he ended up with and nobody would even remember these days. She would have scars on her wrists but Dylan would still love her, endlessly like the man that she knew he would eventually become. He was only fifteen now! She couldn't expect too much from him now.

It was possible that they would break up when she graduated and never speak again but she didn't want that. She would give up Harvard for true love - the law school that she had been working to get into since she was six years old hence her 4.0 since first grade. She didn't see it as giving up her dreams, she just saw it as changing them. She could go to college in town! She didn't need to be three hours away.... she just needed Dylan. "Maybe... we can do it a little softer...." She was hoping he'd catch her drift.

[dylan]

"What the fuck are talking about? You think you can just have sex with me and I'll forget that you're slicing yourself open when you're sad?" He stood up from the couch. Suddenly, Dylan was really angry. Not necessarily at her, but just the whole situation.
He started pacing back and forth, "You think I'm just entirely ruled by my dick? Huh?" He looked at her expectantly for a second, but then realized that she probably did. Everyone did.
"Well, I'm not, alright? Were you even listening to me just now? Bitch, you've changed me!"

Ooh, probably not the best time to call her a bitch...

He shook her head, "Not...I don't mean....Fuck it, whatever." He took a deep breath to calm himself down, and then got on his knees in front of her on the couch.
"Isabel...I need you to promise me that you won't do this anymore," he picked up her wrist and ran his thumb under the bumpy marks. "If you can't do it for yourself, do it for me. Every time you think about doing it, think about how much it hurts me to see the body I care about so much being damaged like this — and I care about the body because I care about the person. And healthy people don't do this."
He glanced back at the coffee table behind him and got an idea. He remembered something Declan used to do with Loni. Something...something about butterflies. He couldn't remember completely. Just the silly little story that went with it.

He grabbed the permanent marker that was laying there from when they played pictionary — she'd drawn a penis and a mouth and that was how their last little session had started.
He took her wrist and leaned down, placing a kiss on what seemed to be the most recent cut. Then he proceeded to draw a really crappy butterfly over it. Realizing that maybe that wouldn't be enough, he drew several more butterflies.

When he was satisfied, he put the cap back on the marker and looked up at her. "These butterflies represent the people who love you. This one's Esme," he pointed to a butterfly closer to the palm of her hand. "This one is Cici," he pointed to a little one below that with a bow on its head. He continued to name her butterflies until he got to the two biggest ones.
"This one's me," it was the first one he drew and then pointed to the one next to it. It was the one he took the most care drawing. "And this one's your mom." He waited for that to sink in.

"Everything you want to cut, think about all of us, and how much we love you. And if you do cut...our butterfly personas die. Or..." he ran his thumb over her mom's butterfly. "Our memories."
He kissed her wrist again and laced his fingers through hers. "Please take care of us, okay?"

[Deleted]

Fuck... good job pissing him off, Mason! Now you've made him feel like all you want him for is his penis.

Isabel watched tentatively from her spot on the couch and tried not to make a peep. Was he really this angry with her? She hadn't meant to upset him! She just wanted to be in his arms even if that meaning going farther than she was necessarily comfortable with. "Dylan...." She whispered inaudibly as he asked her to promise that she was never going to do it again. How was she suppose to tell him no? Or worse, yes? If she promised and failed then he would be disappointed in her so then she'd have a load of guilt on top of the disappointment in her own failure. She was just about to tell him that she didn't know if she could make such a promise when he reached for the marker and started drawing on her... what? Butterflies? It looked like a butterfly...

She smiled as he explained what they represented; how could he be so unexpectedly sweet? She was all smiles and giggles until he said that the most carefully drawn butterfly represented her mother.. Oh. She didn't want to cry in front of him over losing her mother when he had grown up without his and that had obviously affected him greatly but the tears were coming faster than she could control. What was she suppose to do? Walk away and hide her emotions?

No... she did that far too often for her own good.

"Dylan...." She started shakily as she reached for his hand to squeeze, "I really miss her.... I miss calling her when good things happen because she was.... she always made things fill so much more exciting like when I got Rover.... She acted like she was a proud grandmother and not like it was just a dog for my boyfriend... Or when I got an A... it wasn't just another A because I always get them... it was always important and special... All of that .... I will never...." She had to stop talking and remind herself to breathe.. in and out, how hard is that? She could get through this... the hard part was over now, right?

She had recently realized that her mother was never going to meet her children... if she had any but she had met Laura and Elle's children. She had stayed with each of them for six weeks showing them the ropes on motherhood so they neither one felt unprepared or overwhelmed and nobody was going to do that for her. "I just... I want.... I just want to call her and tell her that.... that I don't know how to cook and who is going to teach me now? I never had time .... I thought .... I thought I had time." She hoped he knew that this wasn't really about her inability to scramble an egg. "Dylan.... I just want my mommy back." She whimpered quietly as she pulled herself closer to him. "I'm..... Do you think she knew? That I loved her, I mean... Do you think she died not knowing?"