Elliot's dorm

[Elliot Gates]

[Elliot Gates]

You're sitting at your desk, staring blankly at the dead black screen. You're tired. You're angry. You're hurt and on your last thread. You can see her reflection in the glass, watching you. She's just anticipating your next move and praying that you'll just sleep it off. Deep down you both know that won't be the case. You go to get the rope, the knife.. the gun.. whatever you choose to use because you're that desperate to go. It's the biggest 'Fuck You' that you can give the world. You're alone in your room, no people, no noise.. Just solitude. And now? It's quiet, it's peaceful. You're certain of everything and you're going to do it. Secretly, you kind of wish someone would pull you from the ledge and save you. But she's not coming. She can't because she's already there.

You're a lunatic, you're nothing, you're the scum on the bottom of the pond. Your family hates your exsistance and your love would be better off not having even met you. You look down at the scars coating the layers of skin and know what it feels like to let the veins underneath breathe. You're smiling at the ceiling of the bathroom and your heart is pulsing harder than it should because it knows it's dying. Your blood is staining the tiled floor and leaking under the door. Your vision is blurring out, your heart is slowing, and all you're doing is sitting there and taking it with a smile. You smile because it's over.

Familiar faces are breaking the door in, which pulls you back into consciousness if even for a few seconds. A crying mother, a hysterical father. You wish they hadn't come, you wish they hadn't seen this. They would have found you eventually but they wouldn't have been able to save you. You know that you're thankful they had, you know it was for the best and you made a bad decision that would have left everyone hurting like you.

Not this time. Now all you have to do is smile and pull the trigger. This? This has never felt more right.
Fuck everybody.

Elliot put the pen down on his desk and turned his computer chair around to face the rest of the room. He had every reason in the world to finish off what he should have done years ago. Every reason except Raine, who he was the most sorry. He hoped she would forgive him eventually, he hoped that she would be able to move on and find someone who was better than his own worthlessness.

Elliot stood and slowly paced the floor as he stared at the bundle of cloth sitting next to the letter he had written. It would be quick, painless, and most importantly: it would get the job done right. It was now or never.. He reached for the bundle and pulled it away. It dropped to the floor revealing the black 9mm he had purchased from some guy on Craigslist. It was kind of heavy and felt cold and foreign against his skin.

He went to the small spot in between the wall and his bed, tossing the table out of the way. It had made a rather loud crashing sound as it hit the blinds and fell. He leaned against the wall and could feel the hot tears starting to form in his eyes. Everything Eric said was starting to run through his head as if he were standing right in front of him. You let Ashley die. You left Raine alone and she starved herself to near death because you couldn't leave your dead lover's grave for five seconds. You're pathetic, Elliot. You're going to kill her just like you did Ashley. Do the world a favor and just suicide. Everything else his brother had said came in after that. Elliot's legs couldn't hold him any longer and he slid down to the floor.

He pulled his legs closer to his chest and hugged the gun against his cheek. Do it now. He whispered inside of his head. Elliot placed it under his chin and exhaled to try and calm himself down. He didn't try to wipe the tears from his cheeks, what was the point? They were just continuously flowing no matter what he tried to do.

Elliot swallowed hard and shut his eyes before reopening them and holding the gun against his forehead. The lights in his room were off apart from his lanterns and desk lamp. The moon wasn't out tonight which made him room even darker. Elliot was becoming hysterical now as he slammed the handle against the wall and put it back against his forehead. He was breathing through his teeth and clenching the gun tighter, his knuckles turning white and throbbing.

Elliot shut his eyes and put his thumb on the trigger. "I'm sorry, Raine." He cried into the dark room. He started to squeeze and anticipated the bang that was sure to follow.

[Raine Gregory]

Raine had spent over an hour deciding what she wanted to wear. She never took that long to decide but she wanted to look her absolute best for Elliot because he had sounded so down on the phone the other night. She was ready... she was finally ready to give her body to Elliot Gates... she had given some thought to the fact that he was wanting to make it special even if that meant waiting and she realized that she could make her first time special for both of them so she spent the night baking cookies and preparing the perfect picnic indoors. Sh had no doubts in her mind that he was going to call her love and tell her how adorable that this all was when he found out and he wouldn't ever suspect her surprise.. the real dessert wasn't cookies or cake - it was her body... Not in the cannibalistic way, of course.

She honestly just wanted this to be absolutely perfect. So, she packed special faux fur blankets for them to lay on and possibly cover up with if it was cold in his dorm room and then, of course, one to use for the fort.. She had everything planned out to the very last detail. She was going to walk in with her picnic basket, turn off the lights and set everything up while she had him waiting in the bathroom then she was going to act natural and calm during the meal despite the fact that she would be having a mini panic attack by this point because she was going to know that she was only a couple of minutes away from telling him that she was ready.. that she had the condom in her bag and she was prepared for them to finally make love.. Under the fake glow in the dark stars that she found at Walmart the other day. It wasn't going to be the most classical virginity loss in the world but it'd be unique like them.

She hadn't been sure if she was ready before because of Esme's second pregnancy and she knew a lot of people who lost their virginities and regret it afterwards but she knew that Elliot was the one and why not start making love now? Pregnancy wasn't impossible to prevent but she knew that, even if she did unfortunately get pregnant, she would be okay. She and Elliot were just destined to get married and have children so why in the world would he leave his penguin when she was in need just because they were both young and immature? Some teenage boys leave.. She was confident now that Elliot would never, ever leave her especially with a baby. He wasn't Dallas Kennedy! She would expect something like that from him.. Hell, he was probably the type to take the girl to get an abortion or push her down the stairs if she refused to depose of the fetus.. Yep, he also probably referred to it as a fetus.

So, she was walking across Carson Hall with a beaming smile on her face and a wicker basket full of her romantic surprises on her arm. Her hair had obviously been freshly curled and styled by a professional, her make up had taken hours.. and the light cream lace dress that she had chosen fit her in all the right places. She looked like a perfectly happy confident woman who was about to make a big relationship move with her soul mate. But.. Happiness never lasts forever, does it? She always thought that she would have this gut wrenching feeling when she was about to walk in on something that she didn't want to see but she naively believed Elliot when he said that he was fine so she stepped inside of his dorm with that smile.. that 'I'm so happy that we're going to be together' smile and then ... then she saw what was in front of her and she looked like a mix of everything. Hurt was obvious by the tears in her eyes.. Shock was clear as the basket fell out of her grasp and all of the sweet contents fell to his dorm floor. She had shut his door before she had looked in front of her so she didn't bother just yelling for someone.. What was she suppose to do? Her heart was pounding so fast in her chest that she swore that she could see it beating... She felt like she was about to pass out.

Hours of planning the perfect night had turned out like this with her pulling a gun from his hands and crying hysterically while screaming at him.. She didn't even know what she was saying because she wasn't even using actual words.. Just noises and sobs.. the messy kind where you kind of wonder if the person is going to die because they aren't breathing anymore and kind of struggling to get air into their lungs and maybe.. maybe death doesn't seem so bad because the heartbreaking sobs must be too much to bare.

She didn't know what to do after she grabbed the gun.. She had never held on in her hands before! She moved away from him to the other side of the room and held the gun directly over her heart, "I will shoot myself right now, Elliot.. I will kill myself because if you do then I do so either we both live and walk out of this dorm or I kill myself right now." How could he do this to her? How could he be so selfish? She could barely hold herself up anymore and she was honestly feeling woozy. She leaned over and dry heaved before finally throwing up all over his carpet.. Sexy. She couldn't stop shaking and crying.. she just wanted to not be here. She wanted this situation to be over but she knew it wasn't going to be that simple.

[Elliot Gates]

Elliot found himself releasing the trigger at the sound of someone walking in. His head felt like it stopped for the smallest second but he didn't move a single inch from his spot on the cold floor. He was screaming inside his head to just pull it back and end everything right then, but before he could, Raine was pulling the gun away. His first thought was anger. Even at her, but it wasn't directly to her. He wished she would just do it and save himself the turmoil.

"No!" Elliot pleaded as he struggled to his knees in a desperate attempt to retrieve the gun. He had to go through with it, he didn't want to be here anymore. He fought his way to her as she held it away from him. He smacked his fist into the wall and could feel something of a tantrum coming on. He was hysterical and confused and angry all at the same time. Why would she just let him suffer like this? She was screaming at him, so he instinctively yelled back at her, begging for the gun back. Begging her to just let him come to an end.

"Raine, please! Plee-heeze just let me go!" He yelled as she had broken free from him and headed to the other side of the room. In her absence, he pathetically fell to his hands and knees before trying to get up. When he had finally risen, he came to the horrific sight of her holding the gun to her heart. What the fuck was she doing? Why would she even think to pull that?

In all of the confusion, Elliot stopped where he was standing(now on the opposite side of the bed). "Raine," He mouthed with no actual words. He was coming to the realization that he didn't want this. He didn't want her to die, and he didn't even want that fate for himself. Unconsciously, he had lifted his hand out for her. Maybe, in some kind of hope that was still in him, she would stop. Elliot stepped closer to her and just as he was one step more, he wrapped her up into a tight embrace.

He had taken hold of the gun that was in between them as he tightened his arms around her. He was still crying and didn't care that she had thrown up. He didn't care about anything at that moment except for her safety. The guilt inside of him had grown far larger than what he was capable of holding, and pointed the gun back at his temple. No, no he couldn't do that. He didn't want that. "Baby," He cried as he tossed the little black death trap away from both of them and fell to his knees. "Raine, Raine," He was trying to calm them both down then as he ran his hand over the back of her hair. "I'm so sorry. Pleeease forgive me, I'm so-" Elliot tried to catch his breath inbetween sobs, "I'm so fucking sorry." He had his face buried into her neck as he repeated the same words over and over. "Forgive me, forgive me."

[Raine Gregory]

Raine was having trouble catching her breath... Hell, she was having trouble keeping herself up so she found herself clinging to him in fear of sinking if she didn't. She wasn't going to just forget about this... Every choking sobbing breath was a struggle harder than the last and she was mildly concerned that she was having some sort of panic attack. She felt like those goldfish in the commercials where they take them out of the water to show how a child with asthma feels. She was obviously trying to calm down so she could breath but she was only growing more and more hysterical to the point where her head was pounding and all that she wanted to do was curl up in the fetal position.

She stayed in Elliot's grasp.. She wasn't planning on moving even if she could but now she really couldn't. She was in shock... She just couldn't get past what had all happened and her mind was going a million different ways to try and make sense of things. But she couldn't, how does a person make sense of walking in on their boyfriend attempting to shoot himself in the head? He had to know that she would have been one of the first people to come in and see her... he had to know that she would be forever changed by this moment in her life and yet he did it anyway. He did it with no regard for her well-being and future and the hell that this was going to give her.

She held onto his body as tightly as she possibly could as she finally caught her breath. She wanted to tell him how much that she loved him but she honestly felt too weak to even muster up the strength to say those few words.. Why was she so tired? What about crying made her so exhausted? "Bed." She finally managed with a shaky tone.. She actually tried to stand up and walk but she literally just fell right back into his arms. She still wasn't eating.. She was tired and weak and she had gotten too upset for her fragile body to bounce immediately back from. "I want to...." She paused when she started to tear up again, "Hold me in your bed.." She knew that the two sentences didn't make any sense together but who cares, right?

It wasn't like he couldn't figure out what she wanted now because it was obvious.. She just wanted to lay in his bed.. in his arms and have a moment where life didn't suck so badly because right now.. she honestly didn't know if she saw a point in living and breathing and fighting like hell for Elliot when he just went and lied.. He said that he was okay but he lied.... She still couldn't make sense of everything inside of her brain and the massive migraine that felt like someone was squeezing on her head did not help one bit. "Please don't go... Please.... Please hold me..." She just wanted him to be there.. she needed this more than anything.

[Elliot Gates]

Elliot couldn't even wrap his head around the fact that not even ten minutes ago he had a gun to his head and was so ready to end it. He was still in shock from what Raine had done, what she threatened him with. The little voice in the back of his head was still telling him to go for it, but his heart was stopping him. The guilt that had been building up inside of him because he knew what Raine would have to go through to forget. He knew what he would have to do to help her forget.

Bed, she wanted to move to the bed. Before he moved, he took another glance at the hand gun laying by the door. No, fuck that and get up. "Come on," Elliot said as he pushed them both up from the floor. His knees were week and wobbly but he somehow managed to walk them the six steps to the bedside. He let Raine lay first and he curled up behind her, wrapping his arms around her waist. He was trembling, she was trembling, and together they might as well have been a tree in the wind.

It got quiet after that. No words were exchanged, neither one dared to move. There was only the sound of their sniffling and quiet sobbing left to hear. Elliot remained completely silent, afraid of what his voice was going to sound like or what words would try to come out of his mouth. He stretched out one of his arms above Raine's head and kept the other around her ribs as if he weren't ever going to let go of her. He buried his face into the back of her hair as he continued to try and grasp something calm inside.

[Raine Gregory]

Raine honestly didn't know what she was suppose to do at this point. Hug Elliot and beg him to stay alive because she needed him? She sat up from the bed and made a move to reach for the gun but she stopped herself and just stared at it on the ground. She could shoot herself and be gone.. in one shot, she would be gone. She grabbed the gun after considering her options for a couple of long minutes and held it to her temple. She held her life in her hands... It was so fragile that this one move could mean the end to everything. She wouldn't have to try and forget that he had just tried to shoot himself and fought her for the gun... She could forget the sound of him begging her to allow him to shoot himself... Everything would be gone and things could be lovely again.

She moved the gun away from her as if reconsidering her options but she wasn't rethinking.. not really. She looked over to him with the gun grasped so tightly in her hand that her knuckles were white. "I'm a bad girlfriend". She began with a tone so shaky that she had to stop before she could make her little speech. "I'm a really bad girlfriend... You must hate me... You must really hate me to put me through something like that... something so terrible like walking in on you trying to kill yourself."

She knew that it was unwise to guilt a suicidal man but she was planning on killing herself anyway so what was the harm? "Do you know what I see when I close my eyes? You.. bleeding on the floor... And I will never recover... I'm always going to remember this and I can't.. I begged you.. to tell me if you were okay.... I... must be a terrible horrible person." She felt worthless.. and so so small.

[Elliot Gates]

The silence continued, and Elliot had calmed down enough to actually get comfortable aside the fact that he hadn't moved an inch. He had started to doze off because his adrenaline level had collapsed to nearly nothing and come out of it's shock. He hadn't even felt Raine move when she got up because his body was just completely numb.

When he opened his eyes and saw Raine wasn't there, he felt a panic in his chest and he shot up from the bed. His heart sank and all of his anxiety and worry came back when he saw her standing there with the gun that he was determined to kill himself with. When she put it back down, Elliot stood up and walked to her. He knew that he was probably the last person she wanted touching her right now, but he put his hand on the arm that was holding the gun.

"Raine," He said in a low, hoarse voice. Then she started talking about how she must be the worst girlfriend in the world and how all she could see was him lying on the floor in a puddle of his own blood with his skull, brain and teeth scattered all over the wall. Now that she had actually said that, he realized how badly that would have scared her for the rest of her life. The guilt was building back up and get could feel his heart pounding against his chest as he fought back the tears that ended up coming down his cheeks anyway.

"I just wanted you to be happy, and you'd be happier without me.." His tone was just above a whisper and he wasn't even completely sure if she could hear him. The sight of him literally fighting with her to get the gun back and him begging her to just let him end everything was too much. He couldn't hold the tears back anymore and just let them come down. Elliot wiped his face off on the inside of his shirt and tried to carry on.

"Raine? I-...." He paused, "I stopped taking my medication. I.. I stopped doing my video sessions with my psychiatrist.. I stopped caring. I stopped eating.. I stop doing everything that made you fall in love with me." He had managed to get close enough to grab her free hand. "None of this was because of you, baby. It's all my and my fucked up. head. I'm not right, I'm not." He shook his head and looked at the ground. "Raine...." He took the gun from her hand and went to unlock his safe. He did it as quickly as possible and put the gun away. Now they were both out of harm's way for the time being.

"I promise I'll get rid of it first thing in the morning." Elliot walked back to the bed and rested his elbows on his knees. After a short silence, he talked again. "I don't expect you to forgive me," He wiped his nose and eyes on his sleeve. "....and I'll understand if you want to leave. I wouldn't want to be with a suicidal idiot either. All I've ever done is hurt you and you deserve so much more than that."

[Raine Gregory]

Raine didn't mind that Elliot stopped her.

She wasn't sure if death was what she really wanted right now. She wanted to have that future that she had talked about with Elliot the other night with children. She heard what he said about stopping everything that made him want to live and she couldn't help but resent him. How could he do something like that to her? How could he just stop? How could he give up on everything that made him stable? "What about Faith and Spencer? Or Puddles and Little Elliot? Or... me? What about me?" She sobbed suddenly as she moved away from him and shook her head. She didn't know how she felt about him right now.

She knew that she loved him and she wanted something beautiful to coke from this so she reached for the fallen basket on the ground and started setting up her fort that she had planned and lighting the vanilla cupcake scented candles. She waited until everything was set up before she turned off the lights in his bedroom and grabbed his hands. She moved close to him to remove any distance between them and put her mouth to his ever so gently.

"I love you." She whispered into his ear as she grabbed both of his hands in her own and lead him down to the fort. She started kissing him sweetly as she reached her hands up his shirt to pull it off of his body. "I love you... I love you." She didn't know what she was doing but she felt like she needed to be close to him right now. She was grinding slowly against his crotch and occasionally letting out soft breathy moans in between her kisses. She just felt like she absolutely needed to be right next to him.. as close as physically possible.

So she wanted to make love - slow passionate love.

[Elliot Gates]

Elliot looked away from her with a heavy heart. "When all you want is to leave this place, you get selfish.. You don't think about asking for help, or who you'll hurt or who will miss you the most. All you can see is the end of it because that's all you want." He sighed quietly to himself at the realization of his own words. He felt like he had said them sometime before, but they had a new meaning now. There was actually someone who would literally die without him being there for her.

And she was now picking up her things and setting something up that was forming into a tent made of sheets. He watched carefully as she put everything into place and then turned off the lights. Elliot went without a fight or a noise when she pulled him inside the fort. It was kind of magical the way she had made it so intimate; she had clearly thought about this for a while. He felt so unbelievably terrible because he knew the trouble she had gone through to get all of this ready and he had gone and wrecked it with his own selfish get out.

He was a terrible boyfriend. He was a terrible son. He had a horrible brother but he wasn't much of one either. He was a bad friend and a bad student. He felt like no matter where he turned, he had IDIOT stamped on his forehead, REJECT on one cheek, and FAILURE on the other. Elliot literally shook his head to pull him back into reality and back to Raine who was desperately trying to turn the night around.

She leaned in as closely as possible to him and was kissing him now. She was telling him how much she loved him and all he could think about was how badly he had just scarred her. He absentmindedly let her pull off his shirt and climb onto his lap, but he just couldn't do it. "Raine?" He asked, kissing at her jawline. "I... I can't." Elliot sniffled and looked away from her. What the fuck else could he do to possibly disappoint her any more tonight? "I'm sorry."

The two sat there quietly for a minute before Elliot thought of something that would cheer her up. "Don't move," He said as he gently moved her off of him and left the fort. He began to dig around in his room, checking under his bed and rummaging through his bags until he had found what he was looking for. He returned to the fort and sat down in front of her. In his hand, Elliot held his journal; the leather was weathered and the cover and bind were bend out of shape from being tucked into his back pocket too often. The pages were mostly full, but he flipped towards the back and held it her way. "I want you to read this." Elliot let her read everything he had written about her while he was away. He had mentioned every detail about her eyes, lips, hair, skin, touch, smell, everything you could possibly think of. Every word had so much love pushed behind it that he couldn't help but crack the littlest of smiles.

The next few pages went on about those things. and then there were three folded pieces of paper inside. Each one had a different drawing from his memory. He watched her as she opened the first one. "I drew them from memory." Elliot started. As she pulled out the last one, he said slowly, "That was our first kiss." He had such a gentleness to his voice when he spoke, it was like nothing had happened and the Elliot she had fallen in love with was there. "I love you, Raine."