Trista's Journal

[Trista Kline]

Jan25, 2013

It happened again today. 
The teasing, the joking, the pain. Human beings are the cruelest of monsters. I don't know what these girls get out of messing with me. I haven't done anything wrong. They all think I'm mute now because I won't talk to them. I want to say something to them, I really do. But I can't find my voice to speak out. 

They just don't understand. I don't want any trouble, I just want to be left alone. Sometimes I'm scared of the very walls of the school, especially the people who inhabit it. 

I didn't fight though; I never do. I walked away and they threw their hurtful words at me, but I'll be okay. I don't want to eat in that cafeteria again. I would speak out if I trusted my voice more. Sometimes the words just don't from and I'm left looking like an idiot. I guess I better find a new place to eat. 

They're just words though. They can't harm me. I'll be okay, because I tell myself that they just don't understand.I don't need their approval to know I exist. They're all blind to the world, but I understand.
-Tris

MADE BY MINNIE of BTN

[Trista Kline]

Jan26,2013

Inside these walls is where I sleep
Only I know the demons I keep
The monsters that always torment my mind
It's a constant struggle to keep them inside


Be brave.
-Trista

MADE BY MINNIE of BTN

Read more: somersethigh.proboards.com/thread/1497/template#ixzz2ahG8RUsE

[Trista Kline]

Jan27,2013

I had a dream last night.

It was strange, but it felt so real. I had succumbed to my demons and as I walked about, no one noticed me.

I simply didn't exist. I didn't feel empty or any sense of loss. I felt nothing. But that's not what makes me scared. It's that I didn't mind it- I wanted to be nonexistent.

MADE BY MINNIE of BTN

[Trista Kline]

Jan28,2013

I've made a friend. I think this one's for life. I can see it in his eyes, he's different. He gives me strength. He's the lion man to me, not a monster like the rest. He makes me want to be brave.


-Trista

MADE BY MINNIE of BTN

[Trista Kline]

Jan29,2013

Something happened tonight. I'm afraid of the words that describe what I think has happened. I've always trusted my mind, but I'm terrified of what my heart is telling me. I can't sleep, and for once it's not my demons keeping me awake. 
I miss you.



-Trista

MADE BY MINNIE of BTN

[Trista Kline]

Jan30,2013

I can't stop thinking about you. I think about that night and how everything seemed right. My heart skips a beat when I see your face in the hall. I still have your hat, and it smells like you. I wear it to sleep. 


I've avoided the bullies lately, but even if I hadn't I wouldn't care. I have Kyle to keep me strong, the lion man. My mind tells me to keep my guard up, but my heart is so sure of itself. I saw him with this beautiful girl today. She had gorgeous blue eyes and her hair was long and had multiple colors. I'm pretty sure she had an accent. I'm sure she was just a friend... right?


I think we're going to hangout soon though. I'm excited. I just want to be around him. Is this what love feels like?

-Trista

MADE BY MINNIE of BTN

[Trista Kline]

Jan31,2013

Tonight. I. I don't know what to say. I'm in my closet tonight. It's been a while since I've found myself hiding here. I have this pain in my chest, it hurts to breathe. It hurts to exist. 

Kyle told me... he told me he was dating someone. I've been so blinded by my heart that I couldn't see what was going to happen. It was never meant to be. I can't believe I thought for a second he'd feel the same. 

My mind keeps going back to those woods. Could such a perfect place have existed? I'm trying to tell myself I imagined the whole thing, but it felt so real. My bones ache when I think about it. It had to have happened. But maybe it would be better if I forgot all about it. Hasn't he?

I'm struggling to write through the tears and as I brush them away they come back. Never ending. I had just invested myself into this too much. Words can not fully express what I feel, or what I don't feel. In the darkness of this closet I am nothing. Because he was the only thing that ever made sense to me. 

I'll be alright, I have to be for him. His happiness is all that matters to me. He is all that matters. Rachel will take care of him, he doesn't need me. She'll love him in ways that I never could. She's a lucky girl. 

I can't help but think of all the things she is that I am not. She's whole, she's beautiful, she's perfect. I'm a shell, a nobody. And just like before I'll fade away into the background of a cruel world inhabited by monsters.



I should've known. The song provided the only warning I should've listened to. 


"Only fools rush in." And I am indeed a fool.


I close my eyes tonight and I'm greeted with the demons I know so well. Sweet dreams, my love. 

-Trista

MADE BY MINNIE of BTN

[Trista Kline]

Feb1,2013

It's not getting easier. I didn't think it would. There's a dull ache in my chest now, a reminder of what I lost. But if it was never mine, did I truly lose anything at all? 

He meant so much to me. Maybe if I could've found my voice sooner to express myself I could've told him how I really feel.

I love you.

It's going to take time, it always does. It'll be better this way. You deserve to be happy. Who am I to stand in your way?


-Trista

MADE BY MINNIE of BTN

[Trista Kline]

Feb,2013

Something has happened today. For better or for worse.

Erik and I kissed.

I thought that this was going to fix the void in my heart. But every time our lips touched I thought of Kyle, I pictured Kyle... a part of me pretended it was Kyle.

It's not fair, but time will erase him, and Erik will become my everything. I can learn to love again. I can.

He asked me to be his girlfriend, a title I haven't had in years.  I said yes, not having a reason to say no. I'm happy. Right?

-Trista

MADE BY MINNIE of BTN

[Trista Kline]

Feb,2013

I'm going to tell Kyle about Erik. He told me about Rachel, and I shall return the courtesy.

It doesn't feel right. I should be able to share this information with happiness, yet all I feel is sadness. It's like I'm lying to myself.

I don't want to tell Kyle, but I have to. I don't want to tell him that I'm dating someone who I don't love. Erik is kind though, and he truly cares about me.

Kyle shouldn't care, why would he? He has Rachel. Perfect and wonderful Rachel. He probably won't care when I tell him, and that's what hurts the most.
-Trista

MADE BY MINNIE of BTN