This isn't what it looks like... |Dayle/McMason|

[declan]

"So..." I say after a few minutes of silence but for the TV playing one of Cayle's stupid shows. He's absentmindedly playing with my pant leg as always, and I'm trying so hard to keep my cool. I didn't think it was possible to want to rip someone's clothes off this bad, but I just...I can't even handle it. The way his hand is resting on my thigh, pinky quietly creeping it's way closer to my --

"Yeah?" His voice interrupts my thoughts and I notice that his show is on commercial now. He's looking right at me, as if he can tell that I'm no longer paying attention.
I smile and blush, placing my hand on his leg as he shifts so his knee is in the air. "Well...I was thinking..."
He raises his eyebrow at me and places his thumb under my chin. "Decs...isn't your brother on the way home?"
I shrug. Dylan and Isabel are in the city somewhere, probably fucking in a subway station. That seems like something they would do. I still haven't told him about Cayle, but she knows. I'm not sure why, but for some reason I felt like I needed to tell her. If anyone knows Dylan more than me, it's definitely Isabel. She told me that I should just go ahead and tell him. That he's my brother — he'll understand.
But what she doesn't know is that...Dylan's really homophobic. Not to the point of getting physically abusive, but I've never heard anyone trash a person for simply loving who they love more than my brother. Which is why I've never told him I was questioning before.

"Who cares? We'll have plenty of warning before they get here. Trust me." He smiles and looks down at my lips, telling me that he's about to lean in and kiss me.
Before I know it, we start into one of our hardcore make out sessions that last for...I don't even know how long. One second we're barely kissing, and the next he's pulling my shirt off.
He's trailing kisses down my chest and I lay back on the couch. I can't stifle the little moans coming from my throat the closer he gets to my jeans. But then he comes back up to my mouth and kisses me again.

"You little tease," I whisper and he laughs.
"Oh, you want that?" He asks me, his face so close I can smell his breath.
I brush my hand through his hair, "You know I do."
He kisses me again, "Your wish is my command," he says before his hand reaches down to undo my belt.
The second his tongue touches me, I have to bite the pillow behind my head so I don't scream. I've know him for years, and never once knew how amazing he was with his mouth until a few weeks ago. How could I go that long?

I'm moaning his name, knotting my fingers through his hair, completely lost in this moment of ecstasy...when I hear my brother's voice.

[dylan]

"You're lucky I like you," I say as Isabel gives me a kiss on the cheek for buying her all of this shit. I'm not even sure what half of it is. All I know is that we've walked halfway across Manhattan and back, and she's raked up one hell of a charge on my dad's card. Not that it really matters. All I care about is that my girl is happy.

My girl?

I can't even believe I just thought that. It's crazy what a few months with someone can do to you. I think I'm getting closer to being in love with her. One of these days I'll be able to say it without a doubt in my mind, I know it...which is kind of sad knowing that she'll be going off to college in two years.

"Well I'll make it up to you when we get upstairs," she whispers in my ear. We're in an empty elevator, so she didn't have to whisper, but I think she's figured out by now that I always get chills when she does.

Twelve more floors...

I chuckle a little, "Oh really? And how are you going to do that?"
I can feel her hand moving from my neck, down my chest, and then she's grabbing me outside my jeans. It's like a delicious mix between pleasure and pain. "I guess you'll have you find out."
She lets go of me and I catch my breath, having not realized until now that I'd been holding it the whole time. "If there weren't a camera in here, I'd rip your clothes off and fuck your brains out right here, right now."

Six more floors...

She laughs, "I don't think you have the balls, McKnight." She backs away from me and stands in the corner of the elevator. Before I even have a second to think, she starts unbuttoning her shirt, looking at me with those sexy blue eyes.
"Let's give the security guys a show," she's basically purring and I drop the bags.
Walking over to her, I push the big read stop button so no one else can get on. We could probably get in big trouble for this, but I don't really care.

I unbuckle her pants and yank them down her thighs. Without even being asked, I drop to my knees and put my face right where I know she wants it.
"You taste so sweet," I say before she shoves my head back down.
"Don't fucking stop," she moans as she pushes my head against her further.

After a moment, she lets go and I stand back up. She unzips my pants lightening fast and I'm in her hand before I even know it.
"I want you inside me. Now," she's not even trying to be sweet anymore. She's already gone over to her dom side.
I do as I'm told and plow into her, giving her absolutely no mercy whatsoever.
Yeah. The security guys are definitely going to have something to think about.

When we're dressing again, she starts laughing. "What?" I say with a small smile as I zip my pants back up.
She shakes her head. "Nothing it's just...I think we're starting to run out of places we haven't had sex yet."
I start laughing too. "Well...we haven't fucked in a gas station bathroom yet."
"Correction: You haven't fucked in a gas station bathroom."
My jaw pops open, but I'm still smiling. "Really?"
She shrugs and hits the button to make the elevator move again since we're both dressed.
"You little whore," I say, shaking my head.
"Hey!" She point a finger at me and furrows her eyebrows. "That's Ms. Little Whore to you, kid."
I mockingly roll my eyes, "Oh, please forgive me madam."
She shakes her head, "I don't think so. I'm going to have to punish you for that one."
Before I can respond, the elevator dings on our floor and Isabel gets out before me.

I knock once on the door expecting Declan to answer it. He should still be home with Cayle, probably on the couch where we left them. Cayle has been best friends with my brother and I since...well, pretty much since we moved to the states. He and Declan have always been closer than I was to him, but that's just because everyone likes Declan more than me. No biggie.
Looks like they're not answering. Maybe went to go get take out or were playing video games upstairs or something.
"Hey babe, can you get my keys out of my pocket?" I ask Isabel and turn my back to her seeing as I keep my keys in my left back pocket. My hands are full with her shopping bags, so it's not like I can really reach around and get it myself.
I can practically hear her smirk. "Is that a pick up line?"
"Just get the key," she pulls them out and unlocks the door. Before I can follow her inside, she's pushing me back out the door.

"You know what? I'm hungry. Let's go get something to eat." She's now pulling at my arm, trying to take me back to the elevator.
I look at her like the lunatic she's being and shake her off. "Okay, spazz. Just let me put your bags do--" I stop in my tracks. There, on the couch, is my brother...getting his dick sucked by our childhood friend.

"...Declan?" His eyes — my eyes — pop open and he looks at me with so much horror...

"Dylan," he says as he shoves his junk in his pants. "I can explain..."

[declan]

"Explain?" Dylan's eyes are bugging out of his head and Isabel is standing behind him, hands over mouth, looking incredibly guilty. She actually looks like she wants to cry. I'm not sure if it's for her, for me, or for Dylan, but she's definitely close to crying.
"Explain what? His face just fell on your dick? He was checking for warts? What the fuck is there to explain, Declan?" He spits my name out like it's the worst thing he's ever tasted.

I look down and around for my shirt, anything to avoid his eyes. I know there are hickys on my chest, and that's probably the last thing Dylan wants to see right now.
"I--it's not what it looks like?" I don't even believe my own lie.
He looks at me like I'm an idiot, "It's not what it looks like? That's the best you can do?"
I step cautiously towards him, "Just listen for a second."
"I do not want to know, Declan." Isabel wraps her arms around his waist, but he doesn't even seem to feel her.
She tries to make him look at her, "Baby, just let him talk. It's not that bad."
He freezes for a second and takes his eyes off of me. "You knew?" He turns to her, pulling her arms off of him. "You knew this whole time that my brother was a fucking pillow biter?"
"Babe--" she reaches out of touch him but he slaps her hands away.
"Don't fucking touch me! I don't want a fag enabler touching me."

I'm starting to freak out more and more the louder Dylan gets. Cayle comes up behind me and wraps his arm around my shoulders. He doesn't say anything, he just holds me for a minute while Isabel and Dylan go at it.

"Fag enabler? What the fuck are you — the Westboro Baptist Church? You have got to be kidding me right now!"
"No, I'm not kidding. I don't want you to touch me if you support fucking faggots."

Cayle steps in front of me, as if trying to protect me. I can tell he wants this whole thing to stop. Can't stand to see my brother scream at a woman like that. We both know him well enough that he's just going off at everyone who contradicts him, but he can't take it out on Isabel when she did nothing wrong.
"Dylan, if you can just listen to us --"

Suddenly he whips around and what I see in my brother's face terrifies me. Tears. I can't even remember the last time I saw my brother even tear up — and here he was. Full on crying.

"You shut the fuck up. My brother wasn't a faggot until you made him one," he doesn't even try to wipe his face. He's not ashamed of his tears...he's ashamed of me.
Hearing the word faggot directed at me like that...with so much hate and anger...it's like he physically hit me. I actually think I'd prefer it if he beat the shit out of me. It'd probably hurt less.

"Dylan, we can talk about this..." my voice is so quiet I can barely hear myself speak.
He almost laughs and starts to back out of the room, "No. We can't. I'm done with you. You aren't my brother anymore." He turns and runs down the hallway in the direction of the elevator.

We all stare at each other — me, Isabel, and Cayle — none of us quite sure what to say. Isabel is crying more now, silent tears.
"I'm sorry..." she says before she follows Dylan out of the room. I'm not sure if she's sorry because he freaked out, sorry because she didn't stop him, or sorry because she's now going to go comfort him. All I know is that Cayle is wrapping his arms around me and I can't breathe.

The tears won't stop coming. I'm hyperventilating and he's telling me to just calm down. Everything will be okay. Calm down. breathe.

How am I supposed to calm down when my own brother — my brother, the person I've shared everything with for my entire life — just told me that he no longer counted me as his brother? It's felt like a bullet just went through me and I'm trying so hard to hold myself together, but I can't.

[dylan]

Note to self: Don't punch walls.

My dad's going to have to pay to have that fixed, but right now I don't give two shits about the hole in the apartment hall. Right now my brain is ripping itself apart because ten feet away, my brother is probably buttfucking Cayle Spacey. My brother is a limp wristed queer homo gay faggot butt pirate fairy lord.

I'm pulling at my hair sitting in an upright fetal position when Isabel comes back out. She sits in front of me on the other wall and just waits. She doesn't say anything, she doesn't try to touch me, she just sits there. And waits.

I sigh. I can't believe I hit her. It wasn't like it was in the face or something, but still. She tried to touch me and I slapped her.
"Is your hand okay?" I ask her stupidly. To my surprise though, she doesn't roll her eyes.
She smiles a little, "It's fine. Is your hand okay?" She gestures to the wall and I look down at my right hand. It's bleeding.
I manage a little laugh, "No, apparently not." I wipe the blood on my jeans and press my forehead against my knees.
"What am I going to do?" I ask her, voice muffled in my pants.
She crawls across the carpet and sits next to me. "You're not going to do anything."
I look up at her. "What do you mean?"
"I mean...What Declan chooses to do with his life is his decision. It has no affect on you whatsoever."
I start to protest, but the look she gives me makes me shut up.
"As much as you like to act like you don't, you love your brother very much. He's your best friend. And...I don't know why you hate gay people like you say you do, but we can talk about that later. Whatever you issue is with it, you need to get over it. You don't want to spend the rest of your life hating Declan because he likes boys."

I wait until she's done to speak, but even then I'm not quite sure what to say. She's right. And that realization is really annoying. How does she manage to be right about almost everything? Ugh.

I shake my head, "Yeah, well. I should probably go get this checked out. Make sure I didn't break it or something." I stand up and offer her my good hand to pull her back up.
"Do you want me to go with you?" She asks.
"Nah, I think I need some alone time. I have a lot of thinking to do."
She crosses her arms, "Thinking...or feeling?"
I furrow my eyebrows, "What do you mean?"
She sighs, "Baby...you can argue both sides of anything. But why we feel what we feel isn't logical — it's emotional. So I'm sorry, but I'm afraid you're going to have to base this decision on your emotions."
I'm not sure what to say, so I just turn around and head for the elevator and pause before I can hit the down button. "Check on Declan for me, will you?"
I can hear the satisfaction in her voice as if she knows she just won this and proved her point exactly. "Yeah. I'll check on him."



You know...I don't think there's anything more depressing than walking through a rainy New York with a busted hand, on your way to the doctor while your brother buttfucks a guy and your girlfriend is probably just awkwardly sitting there through that. Poor Is. Why does she put up with my shit? And not even just my shit, but Declan's too now. She's definitely just too good for me.
My dad's going to meet me in the waiting room, said he was busy meeting with someone about some playwrights, I don't know. All I know is that he'll probably end up flaking out. It's not like I'm precious Declan who always gets the attention.
Maybe dad's opinion will change when he finds out his other son is a faggot.

What you thought I'd keep that from him? Be a decent person and keep my baby brother's little secret? Yeah, no.

"Hey," my dad's voice actually scares me as I'm sitting in the doctor's office by myself. When he didn't show up in the waiting room I figured he had better things to do, but apparently he cared just enough.
"Sorry I'm late. New York traffic plus rain. You know," he shrugs out of his jacket and sits in the chair opposite the half bed I'm sitting on. "What happened?"
He picks up my hand and examines it, the lines in his forehead creasing. "I um...punched a wall...in the hallway outside in front of the apartment..."
I'm waiting for him to blow up, but he just kind of sighs and sits back in the chair. "Well. I'm sure that will cost me."
"Um...yeah, I'm sorry. I just...got kind of mad."
"...Care to elaborate?"
I bite my lip, "The truth?" He raises his eyebrows as if to say No, I want you to lie to me in that sarcastic way he has. "Declan's gay."

He waits for a minute, like he expects me to say more. When I don't he says, "Well...yeah."
I'm taken aback because I never would have thought my dad would know something like this before me. "He told you?"
"No, but...Dylan, when you were asking for hot wheels and Tonka trucks, Declan wanted Barbie dolls and easy bake ovens. Are you really surprised?"
I shake my head, "But...I walked in on Cayle sucking his..." I gesture down and dad sighs.
"That happens sometimes when people get together. Do you really need me to explain this to you?"
"But it's a guy. How does that not gross you out? It's disgusting!"
"To you. Not to Declan. So what if he likes guys? Doesn't that mean less competition for you?"
"There never was any competition."
"Okay. So there's even less. What's the big deal?"
"It's...it's wrong and...gross."
Dad rolls his eyes, "Wrong and gross by whose standards? Yours?"
I look down, "Well...yeah."
"Okay. So don't have sex with a guy."
"I don't want my brother to be a faggot!"
He laughs, "Dylan, do you realize how idiotic you sound? You're British. You're acting like an idiotic homophobic redneck."
I don't know how to come back from that, so I just don't. He doesn't understand. Why does no body understand? I've never agreed with it and now because my brother is suddenly gay, everything's supposed to be peaches? It just doesn't work like that!
"All I'm saying is...Give him a chance. Just like he'd do for you."



When I get back to the apartment building, I see Isabel standing outside smoking a cigarette. Dad had to get back to work, and my hand is in a cast. Broke my thumb, and I have a cast up my forearm. How much sense does that make? Ugh.
"Hey," I wave at her with my broken hand and she laughs. Not exactly the reaction I was expecting.
"Wow," is all she says and so I explain to her what the doctor said. "Well I guess that's what you get for being a dumbass."
I shrug, "Yeah well. How's Declan?"
Heavy sigh, "He's okay. He's convinced you'll never forgive him...Cayle's actually not a bad guy you know."
"I know that," I say harshly as I bum a cigarette off of her and light it off the end of hers. "I've known him for over ten years, I know he's a good guy. I just don't want him having sex with my brother."
"Why though? I mean, I know you said you don't like it, but you haven't given a good reason." She pauses, "And he's not even gay."
"Excuse me? Getting head from a guy isn't exactly straight,"
"He's bi. Said he might even be pan, but he's not sure right now. But he says he still likes girls, hence Justine and Leiloni."
I shake my head, "Whatever. Still weird."
She takes a drag and blows smoke the opposite way of where we're standing. "Why?"
"I just...I just don't like it, okay?"
"You haven't given him a chance to explain. He's not doing this because he's gross or something. Right now he's with Cayle because he genuinely cares about him. A few years ago he was with Leiloni because he cared about her. A year from now he might be with another girl because he cares about her. Regardless though...his sexuality shouldn't matter to you."
"What are you? His fucking lawyer?"
She throws her cigarette down on the ground and steps on it. "No. I'm your girlfriend who loves you and doesn't want to see you ruin your relationship with your brother because you're being unreasonable."

She turns and heads inside, leaving me with a burning cigarette and a sidewalk full of questions.