Rozzi's Journal

[Rozzi Summers]

January 23,

I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel anymore, it’s like. I want to believe that I’m not like her, because I’m not right? All I see when I look in the mirror is that I’m not good enough. Like I’m second best, like I’m the next best thing to having Esme. It’s ridiculous to think that right? Just because I like my hair red? It’s not though, Max was like in love with her, before me, and maybe even when he was with me I don’t know. It’s just the way he talks to her, and even the way he did while we were together, and when I found out he used to have a thing with her.

Maybe I’m over reacting, but that “You’re just a fugly version of my sister comment” really hurt, it sticks in my mind every time I think about him, because I’m pretty sure he would have rather had some random slut like Esme then me. Im not trying to be a copycat. I don’t want to be like her, and the burn blog keeps making it seem like I want to be her. I don’t warship Esme like the rest of the school, I can’t stand her. All she does it make me feel like I’m not good enough, and maybe it’s not even her fault. It’s not her fault that max liked her better, and it’s not her fault that Sam was with her before me.

I just… I love… I really like Sam for trying to help me, and I think all he did was make it worse. I want to love him like him more than I do, but I shouldn’t have rushed into this. I feel like everything is falling apart. I’m not even trying to be like her, I’m trying to be different. I couldn’t stand looking in the mirror and thinking that I was just an ugly version of Esme. I couldn’t stand looking at myself and thinking that I was never going to be better than her, and that everyone will always want her first. It doesn’t matter what color my hair is though, because I still do.

MADE BY MINNIE of BTN

[Rozzi Summers]

January 25,

I realized that I haven’t really been playing my sax as much as I used to. It’s kind of depressing. I spent my whole sophomore year doing nothing but that, I scared friends away, and I didn’t do much besides sit in my room and play, make music. Ya’ know? I really didn’t have time for people, and then I met Max, and I suddenly had friends, and it was like my life changed. I didn’t expect that I would ever be with the Wyatt type of guy, he always annoyed me, and I don’t think I ever got over the fact that he stole my best friend that one time. I just.

She was my best friend since as long as I could remember, her name was Alice. We did everything together, and then I brought her home to practice one day, because we always did, and she ended up having sex with him, he said it was his first time so I don’t know if it was good or not, but we were really young. It was kind of scary actually. She never talked to me again, she never talked to either one of us again, and I guess there was a good reason for that. I still have her number in my phone, because even though that was almost four years ago I still miss her. Sometimes I feel like I should text it just to see if it still works, if maybe we should hang out, and then I think that she moved on. She probably has other friends, and I don’t need her.

I need a best friend again. So anyway, I realized that I don’t really do anything as much as I used to. I’ve met pretty good friends with the whole music thing, like Matt, I don’t know what ever happened to him, but I liked him. I remember when Sam used to talk to me, and tell me random stuff about famous saxophone players, and it was really amazing of him. He’s an amazing guy. I like him a lot, I just don’t know if I’m ready for this, and if I can knowing that he also had a thing with Esme. It’s just like I gave too much trust to Max, and he broke me. He took everything from me, and even if I was with him all I would be able to think about is her. Now I look at Sam the same way. I honestly would rather have not known that, and I know it’s irrational to tell him that he can’t be friends with her, or that I can’t be with him because he was with her.

It’s just something that’s been on my mind since I got that text, and I haven’t talked to him about it yet. I want to, but I don’t want to sound like I’m controlling him, lord knows I hate doing that. I hate it when people do that to me, but maybe I gave Max too much trust. When I’m in a relationship I always trust the person, I don’t watch them every move they make, and it never got me into trouble before Max.

I always had boyfriends for short periods of time, I was never fun, which was why me and Scott broke up, we didn’t have time for the relationship, and maybe if I stayed with him things would have been better.

I pulled my Saxophone out from the depths of under my closet, and I stared at it. I haven’t played it much lately, and it’s like the only reason I do it band anymore. I haven’t had fun doing it. I haven’t had fun doing many things lately other then sit around and think about how I’m second best to everyone, because of the stupid burn blog. When I went in my closet to get it, I realized that something was missing. My closet it a mess, so it would be hard to miss.

That necklace.

I always kept it hanging from the music stand in there, but I realized that I gave it back to him when he came to see me. I had never noticed it though until that moment when I was standing there staring at my closet, ready to pull out my saxophone and make it fun to play again. I never wore it, even after he gave it to me, even that day that I overreacted at him making a joke at me, and told him to come get it. I never wore it and maybe that meant something. I just stared at it. I never thought I deserved it, I had never had anyone give me anything like that before and I wanted to make it special. I wanted to believe that it was the thing that said I love you with more meaning then he ever could. He said it, and I believed it, but even when I wasn’t at school, I still stared at it sometimes.

I stared at it, even when I was crying over him, and knew that he was probably sleeping with some other girl. It was like, I gave him my whole life, my virginity, everything and in return I got that stupid necklace, and I never even wore it. I just stared at it, and in that moment when I gave it back to him I knew it was over. I knew that I didn’t want him anymore. I can’t help but feel like it’s missing from my life though. It was just sitting there, making me want to go find him and throw it at him and tell him that he was stupid and never deserved me in the first place. I gave it to him. The last piece of our relationship that I was holding onto.

Maybe it was good to end it, I’m happier now. I have Sam, and he’s the best that I could ask for, and I wish I could give him more, but I don’t think I want to invest everything in him so early in this relationship, I can’t knowing that I might get hurt. I really need to talk to him about it, because I can’t keep acting like everything is good, and that I don’t think about the fact that he was with her, just like Max. I don’t think it’s right for me to be irrational and yell at him, but I don’t know what else to do.

Sometimes I feel like I’m setting myself up for failure when I talk to people about these types of things. He makes me so happy though, I never want to ruin it, and I know that he liked me, when he came to me to tell me that he broke up with his girlfriend, or whatever, I was surprised. I thought their relationship was going so well, from what I heard, and then I remember that party. I know that I shouldn’t have been all over him like that with that kiss, and the fact that I was stripping, I just kissed him, and I felt into it. I really liked it, and I know I said it meant nothing, at the time it didn’t. I was still in love with Max I was confused, and I just went with what my emotions were wanting me to do.

I knew he was dating someone, and I felt bad for doing that. I shouldn’t have. I didn’t care, I didn’t have feelings for him, or I thought I didn’t, but maybe it was just my problems with Max, and his relationship clouding my mind. I didn’t want to think about feelings. I just wanted to figure out what I wanted. I remember when he was an amazing friend, and he told me all those facts about famous saxophonists, and I loved that. It was fun, and I learned things. I never told him that I didn’t really know that much about them, and that he was teaching me things I didn’t know.

So maybe I liked him and I didn’t see it. I like him know and I know it, the more time I spend with him the more I realize it. He’s so amazing to me, and I can’t help but like him. I just sometimes wish that I could find some way to see into the future and be sure that he’s not going to hurt me. Or to go back in time and have him before I had Max. I wish that he wasn’t with Esme in the past, and I want so much to believe that he’s not with me because it’s the next best thing that he doesn’t want me because I looked like Esme, and so far I don’t think so. With Max it was so easy to believe that. It was so easy to wonder what was so good about her.

Sometimes, I still do wonder. She’s so pretty, and I’m not… I look at myself, and I think that maybe if I looked a little more like her, if I was skinnier and prettier then I could have as many friends as she did, and I could have the love that she does. I know she’s married in high school, but I looked up to her for being able to do it. My mom was sixteen when she got pregnant, and my dad ran off to who the hell knows where. I don’t know how I would react in that situation, I wouldn’t be able to do it, I think. I’ve always had dreams of becoming famous, being a musician, but now I don’t know.

I actually played something earlier, it was easy, but I had fun with it, and I thought that maybe I should just not worry about it all, I should go back to being the girl that didn’t care about the drama and just made music in her room.

I just need to stop thinking about it all, and looking at myself and thinking I’m not good enough, but I can't, because it seems like I always am the second choice, and that's the conclusion I keep coming to. Even if the people around me don't mean to make it feel that way, even if they don't mean to make me feel like I'm not good enough for them, I feel like I'm not pretty enough, or not talented enough or not smart enough, I know that I shouldn't, but I can't help it.

MADE BY MINNIE of BTN

[Rozzi Summers]

January 27,

I miss having red hair. Sometimes.

I keep thinking about it, and I feel like i looked better with red hair. I said that i did it cause the dye was expensive, and bad for my hair, maybe it is. Red fades like a bitch.

I think i'll keep it this way a little longer, it's less of a hassle to dye it all the time.

I'm not trying to be like Esme. She had brown hair once, apparently. Good for her though. The burn blog is a bitch, and i kind of just want to slap whoever runs it.

Wyatt says it's cooper, but i kind of want to believe that he has some good in him. Especially after he lived with Esme his entire life.

MADE BY MINNIE of BTN

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